I’ve struggled with depression my whole life. I’ve lost a lot because of it including my 2 children, yet I continued to fight it. I ignored the “experts” who said I was nothing but a chronic mental pt. I got my EMT, worked for a little bit & even went to school for my medic. I thought I had proved them wrong. I thought I had redeemed myself. At one point I was able to look in the mirror & see a competent lifesaver who had seen a lot of shit & lost a lot but who handled it competently. Now the depression & nightmares are back.
All I can send see is every mistake I’ve ever made personally & professionally. I want to help people, not hurt them but the pain is too strong. I find myself looking up the best way to get a gun (in a state known for its tough gun laws) so I can hopefully be an organ donor for my daughter who has severe PAH, then realizing it’s probably not feasible because of the meds I take to manage my depression & medical problems. A few months ago I attempted suicide by ODing on -redacted-. Two docs told me I almost died. I know I should be grateful to be alive but mostly all I can think about is how to ensure that I get it right next time.
I worry that if I tell anyone things will get even worse. I worry that I will just be locked away & judged for being the chronic mental pt I know I am & I will lose the illusion I’ve worked so hard to present of a competent lifesaver. The truth is I don’t know if I can even save myself. What’s wrong with me. I’m sorry.
– Anonymous, 15 years in EMS.